Dealing with Emotional Baggage

With the amount of divorce that happens in our society it is no wonder why there are so many step families now.  Growing up in a step family can be difficult for the children, but it is often just as difficult for the step parent coming into the family.

I watched a video this week about some of problems that emotional baggage can cause in step families(and I've even venture to say it happens with other families as well).  This baggage can add an additional weight to a marriage and family that can be crushing without proper commitment.

I'm going to try to link the video at the end and hope that it works.  It is a little cheesy, but I think it does a good job of portraying the types of baggage that we can carry into a relationship.  So how do we deal with the baggage?

There were 3 tips that the video gave:

1. We need to be committed to deal with the problems

.

2. We can work on gaining the knowledge needed to deal with the problems.

3. We can work on developing the skills needed to succeed.

The work that is cut ahead of each of us will be difficult, but as we work on changing ourselves we will begin to build a better life for our children, step children, and spouse.  There is a lot of advice available to anyone seeking to better their relationships.  Just remember that the goal is to effectively communicate with your spouse and children to be better able to see what your family needs to do personally to improve.  Don't get discouraged.  Be patient and keep trying :)

Emotional Baggage video

(Please let me know if this video works for you.)

Parenting

Let's face the truth, parenting is hard.  To be honest I can't remember a lot of my childhood and the things that my parents did to raise me.  The greatest thing that I am grateful for though is that my parents tried their hardest to be active parents and help me grow into a responsible adult.
In my house there was no power struggle, there was no manipulation, there was reasoning and love.  My parents usually talked calmly and kindly.  I knew that they wanted the best for me and that they were always looking out for me.  My parents were wonderful, but like all parents they weren't perfect.  There were times when counsel hurt, when words or actions stung more than punishment, and other times when their frustration was noticeable.
Luckily nobody expects us to be perfect.  Overall my parents are still wonderful and loving.  I wouldn't trade them for anybody else.

I want to focus a portion of my post to this quote.  As parents (or future parents), we need to learn that our actions and words do affect other people.  As a parent we will have an opportunity everyday to help our children grow closer to us or further away.  We can become a great blessing or a major weight in their life.  This is why we need to make sure that we are raising our children right.
Now, I know that this may be a very touchy subject, so I'm going to tread a little carefully, However, I hope you will agree with me that parents and children should have strong positive bonds.
While there may not be a single way of parenting that works for all children, there are some tips that can help us as we try to be better parents, (or once more, learn to become parents).
1.  Develop a positive relationship:  We need to be able to talk to our children(especially teenagers).  If our relationship is strained and nonexistent then it will be difficult to be able to help them grow and learn.  Developing this relationship begins when they are young.  We cannot guide children when there is no foundation.  We may manipulate, but we are trying to help them become responsible adults, not slaves.  Ultimately manipulation and punishment will never be enough to guide children and help them grow.
2.  Counsel with your children:  The time for domination has come to an end, now is the time for cooperation.  Work with your children to decide guidelines/rules, teach them how to do things, treat them with respect.  When they do something that hurts you, or annoys you let them know in a direct and kind manner.  With counseling we should strive to understand each other and show that we are really interested in them as a person.  A small word on counseling to determine guidelines/rules, we need to make sure that we protect our children from potential sources of danger.  It would be wise to let them make unsafe choices.
The last thing I want to write is that every child is different and we need to pay attention to them as individuals, not just our children.  It would be wise to give them chances to grow and learn.  This is one of the things that I personally wished I had done more of in my childhood... It would have been nice to be more prepared to make the personal decisions that everybody will face.  Lets love our children and help them prepare for this crazy world.  If that means changing some negative things about our parenting, or just preparing ourselves to be parents by changing our life style to be more healthy and responsible then so be it.  Overall it is most important for us to help them.  We can do it!

Don't Spend what you don't have

Growing up I always heard the simple yet profound advice from my grandpa, "Don't spend what you don't have".  In our world filled with credit cards and an extreme amount of debt maybe we could all apply this advice a little more carefully.  This statement from my Grandpa is one of the great lessons that I have learned about finance.  I want to add a few things that have helped me in some situations.  First of all, I know that some debt is unavoidable, but excessive debt is.  By only getting in debt for things  that we can support eventually, (like getting a decent home over an already beautiful one) ultimately we need to think about our income and how long it will take us to get out of debt and try everything that we can to get out of debt.
  The reason why I want to focus on finances in this post is because the problems caused from finances can cause extreme stress and conflict in marriages and families.  By controlling ourselves and exercising some basic wisdom a lot of this stress can be avoided.
A principle that has helped me is prioritizing the use of money.  As a student attending college I have learned that I need to pay my college costs and living costs first before splurging a little or I will most likely end up eating ramen for a good majority of my time here.  (Not that I don't like ramen... but diversity is good.)  If we can learn to accurately measure the difference between the things that we need and the things that we want we can more likely avoid potential difficulties that could arise from how we manage our money.
Another thing that has helped me manage my money has been a budget.  Now, I'l be the first to admit that I really don't like budgeting, but the money I have saved from doing it has been worth it.  By lining up all the costs and incomes for a month we can come up with a plan to have enough money to get by.  This part of the process requires communication between partners.  This opportunity can be a great chance to practice counseling with spouses and other relationships where money is shared.  By coming up with a plan together there will be a greater responsibility on both parties to continue with the plan and hold each other accountable.  By doing it this way we can avoid a lot of the communication problems that money causes when it is handled by one person in the relationship without much discussion.
Another principle that is particularly hard for me is saving money, but as we live our plan and prioritize it will become easier for everyone.  By putting aside a little bit of money from our income we will be better prepared for when crisis and surprises happen in our life.  Notice how I didn't say if.  These situations are going to happen to everyone, our cars might break down, there might be a medical emergency, or we might just need a little extra money to go to that party that we really want to.  Saving money and using it wisely can help us with all of these situations.
Now, I'm no professional at money, and quite frankly my own managing style can use a little work, but I know that as we use our money wisely and efficiently we will be able to cut a big stress out of our life.  Even if we haven't been living efficiently so far we can get there.  Start by making a plan for yourself and evaluate how it is going frequently.  I recommend reading the pamphlet "One For the Money" (you can download the pamphlet for free from this link.)
In this world that is filled with so much stress already, lets try to control this potential stress before it becomes a problem.  Have a great week!

The power of Communication

For a majority of my life I have heard many people in conversations say that the most important thing in any relationship is open communication.  I never really gave this much thought other than about how hard it would be for me to share everything that popped into my head with somebody.  That always frightened me, because like most people sometimes I am not thinking the most kind things about people or situations.  It would probably be more destructive to a relationship to share everything I thought.  Luckily, the key to a good relationship is effective communication.  There is a need to be honest, kind, and open when talking with someone important to you.  It helps when both people can feel like they are free to say the things that matter to them and to the relationship.  By establishing this kind of communication early on in relationships couples will have better insights into solving arguments than those who have closed communication.
Another solid practice that can help with communication and understanding is to confirm with your significant other what they said.  I know that I have gotten into many stupid situations because I thought I heard someone say something that they didn't.  By asking someone, "Is this what you mean?" and then relaying what you heard it will be easier to avoid possible misunderstandings with people and avoid frustrating situations.  In this world of so much conversations going on, between our phones, emails, facebook, and people around us it can be very easy to misunderstand something that we hear because we weren't really listening or they casually mentioned it.  It would be in everyone's benefit to learn how to listen and how to communicate clearly.  Really it comes down to the amount of time that we want to devote.

Dealing with Stress

Everybody goes through stressful events in this life.  Eventually everyone will go through some kind of crisis as well.  It would be helpful for everyone to develop the skills and attitudes that help deal with stress and crisis.  For me I can the tell the difference between trying to deal with something in a good way or just putting it off.  I have to admit that I use denial way more than I would like.  Having had this type of coping mechanism though, I have come to realize that in some ways denial can be useful for gathering appropriate resources to deal with a problem, however when taken to the extreme usage of denial it will only prolong and worsen stress which could eventually lead to a crisis in of its self.  A healthy coping mechanism that can help with stress is to face the problem head on and to recognize it for what it really is.  This process actually includes two coping processes, the first is facing the trial which is the obvious one.  The second is re-framing the stress in your mind.  re-framing isn't denying or putting off the problem, it is rather saying something like this, "I know that right now this is going on... but it won't last forever so I can do this."  By doing this it can help us reduce the stress and gain the courage to continue forward.

Now before I end, I really want to mention a coping mechanism that has worked wonders for me.  Prayer has really helped me as I turn to the Lord and give him all of my thoughts and work with him to re-frame them.  I know that a lot of people won't find this useful for them, but for me talking to my Heavenly Father has helped me understand what I'm going through and given me ideas on what I can do to survive/continue forward.  If you are dealing with something that is super stressful and nothing else seems to work I would recommend prayer.  We will all face stress and crisis eventually, so lets make sure that we are prepared to deal with them when they come.

Love making shouldn't have the worth of pretzels

Sexual intimacy is a super important part of marriage.  Sex in a marriage can either bring the couple closer together or further apart and the result depends largely upon what each individual is trying to get out of the experience.  Healthy sexual intimacy is based on loving intent and communication.  It is obvious to me that with two different individuals, with different comforts and likes, would need to communicate openly about what feels nice and what doesn't.  Sexual intimacy is something that should be treated like large wrapped gift from a rich family member.  It should be unwrapped carefully by both individuals in the couple, by rushing and aggressively unwrapping the present the couple(or an individual in the couple) might damage the very thing that should have meant so much more to them.  This metaphor works both with virgins and people who have had other sexual experiences because for every newly wedded couple the sexual intimacy is going to be a new experience between them.  There is no cookie cutter method that fits all because everyone is different, that is why open communication and loving care to your partner are so important.

To finish this blog off I want to end by mentioning that when I was growing up I learned from wise mentors around me that people in our society give kisses and other intimate gestures like pretzels.  With the news, media, and songs that are so prevalent in our society I have grown to think that a lot of people treat sex like it is a pretzel now, something that is delicious but ultimately worth nothing.  Our society has moved further away from love making towards sex.  Lets bring the love back and make the relationships that matter to us more precious.  

Strengthening Couple Bonds

Marriage is a difficult experience.  It is difficult for various reasons and often each couple has unique challenges in their marriage.  Individual challenges aside, there are somethings that are hard for most couples to adjust to and one of those things is childbirth.  There are several things that we can do to help avoid some of the struggles that come from this hard time.  One of the most important things that I suggest is to make sure that couples work on their relationship often and openly.  Growing up Friday night has almost always been date night for my parents.  They would leave me and my four siblings at home and go watch a movie and eat dinner together.  This has always stood out to me, when I was young it was a little annoyed that I couldn't go have fun with them, but I realize now that by keeping that night separate for their relationship was a way that they could connect one on one and strengthen their marriage that way.  Another thing that can be done to strengthen a couple's relationship is by involving the husband in the prenatal and postnatal processes of childbirth.  This is of course assuming that the husband is willing to participate and get excited with the wife.  The wife has a challenging time with pregnancy, however she also has a chance to bond with the child before they are born.  A woman can involve her husband by describing what it feels like when the baby kicks.  Perhaps the most important thing about coming closer during this time is to look towards each other for help and support and not mainly on extended family.  Another vital thing to do for the family to bond is to have the husband in the delivery room with the wife.  It should be an experience that is shared between the couple.
I understand that not every couple will have the chance to do many of the things in here.  The most important thing to remember is that the couple needs to focus on building a strong and healthy relationship with each other.  If anything starts dragging the couple apart then steps should be taken by the couple to protect what their relationship as husband and wife.  Overall this means work from both the Husband and the Wife.

Relationship Patterns

In chapter 7 of John Van Epp's book "How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk" it talks about how looking at the relationships that our dates have to other people will reflect eventually in marriage.  It was an interesting thought but one that I think is a powerful one.  Overtime through a long period of dating involving many different situations you can begin to understand who you are dating and what they will be like in marriage.  John Epp did a really good job of mentioning that this doesn't only apply to how your date acts around their family and friends.  It also includes how they treat waiters, cashiers, and other people in general.  By seeing the overall reaction of a date to these kinds of people and different circumstances we can get a picture of what our marriage will be like in the ups and downs and overall.  If our date treats a lot of people in negative ways then maybe we should consider how they might end up treating us eventually when things have gotten comfortable and more relaxed in marriage.
As I was thinking about this idea I started to think about my own relationships with people and how I treat them.  I realized that there were a few things that I wasn't to proud of that I should change.  It was just interesting to me to see certain patterns that I had been totally oblivious to before hand.  I believe that it is when we have choices that we can change.  Because I have a choice now whether or not I will remain in the same patterns I can choose to change.  I can take this lesson and effectively start to learn how to avoid being a jerk that people end up marrying.  I would encourage anybody who honestly wants to have a good relationship to think about how they treat others who aren't their date and readjust when they notice patterns that they don't like.  So while we are avoiding marrying jerks, lets make sure that we are avoiding becoming jerks ourselves.
How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk Chapter 7 Check this out for more of Epp's great advice.

My thoughts on banning conversion therapy

I know that this is a controversial topic right now and that this may offend a lot of people, however, I will continue.  At the end of this Post I will add all of my sources so you can look through them and do studying of your own.
So, I have a problem.  Specifically with the States California, New Jersey, Illinois, Oregon.  I also have a problem with Whitehouse in this specific area.  I do not agree that we should ban all conversion therapy in our country, especially for minors.  That severely limits the possibilities for people who struggle with Same Sex attraction but don't want to be gay.  People can change.  Not everybody wants to, and that is just fine, but we need to make sure that we allow people a chance to change and become what they want to.  I will tell you why this bothers me so much.  I want to be a therapist, I want to be able to help people through their personal challenges and struggles.  With a law like this it makes it all but impossible to talk about .  The petition Leelah's Law to Ban All LGBTQ+ Conversion Therapy puts therapy in a dark light by implying that when therapists go through this process that they attempt to "brainwash" their clients.  Now I understand the petition's main concern is for children and adolescents who aren't in charge of their own legal rights and don't want to go to therapy.  I just think that it is a shame to kill a therapy that has helped people change.  (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJhyzqdzpnM)
We shouldn't ban a therapy unless it is proven useless.  Fun fact about this therapy is the APA states in their brief that "There are no studies of adequate scientific rigor to conclude whether or not recent SOCE do or do not work to change a person's sexual orientation." (http://www.apa.org/about/policy/sexual-orientation.pdf)  We should do more research before we blatantly make laws that could prove more harmful than useful in the future when evidence does come through.

The Recap:
We should only change the availabilities of therapy and other resources if they prove completely dangerous and inefficient.
We need to care for the well-being of everyone and protect the importance of human life.
Perhaps the most important:  We need to allow people who want to change the chance to do so, while at the same time not forcing anyone to change.  We are all Children of God, so lets start acting like it.

Side note:
I just want to make a quick comment about Same Sex-Attraction vs Gay.  Often times we mistakenly use the words to mean the same thing.  Same-Sex Attraction means that the individual has some level of attraction towards their same sex(this attraction is mostly a desire for intimacy, not purely sexual).  The attraction can be anywhere on a scale from weak to strong.  The word Gay is used as an identity.  It means that the person identify themselves according to their Same-Sex attraction and embrace the ideals that come with the gay culture.

Extra Sources:
https://byui.brightspace.com/content/enforced/106717-Campus.Reference.FAML160/assets/byrd_article.pdf?attachment=1&_&d2lSessionVal=wx3Y8bp5oI19HXsqLBl9Qw1Tm

https://byui.brightspace.com/content/enforced/106717-Campus.Reference.FAML160/assets/Understanding%20Same-Sex%20Attraction.pdf?attachment=1&_&d2lSessionVal=wx3Y8bp5oI19HXsqLBl9Qw1Tm 

Our Personal Cultures

As I have grown up there were things that I didn't particularly like.  I would promise myself that "when I grow up I will do this" and "I won't do that..."  It seems so silly to me now, but when I was younger I was dead serious.  Now just so you don't get the wrong idea; I grew up with wonderful parents and siblings and I am so grateful that I am part of my family.  My point is that there are parts of our cultures that we don't like, and parts that we adore.  An example of something I love in my own family is that everyone can tease and playfully talk to one another.  These remarks from each of us usually lead to laughter.  This and other aspects of my personal family culture has affected how I think and interact with other people.  I don't know if you have every had an experience where you went into somebody's house and noticed how they interacted with one another.  If that has ever happened to you, have you ever felt a little awkward?  I have and most times it wasn't even because they were doing something bad.  Just eating with a different family or friends can be strange and interesting because of differences in the family cultures(and other cultures as well) that we were raised in.  Think about your own experiences with family and friends.  As you are thinking about your own culture what would you change if you could?
Why is this important?  Well, honestly the cultures that we grow up in will continue to influence us throughout our lives and if we don't change then our children will grow up in a similar culture for better or for worse.  Another reason why understanding our personal culture is important is because it can give us important insights into the cultures of other people.  We may never fully understand why they do things, but we can definitely learn from them if we pay attention.  For example we may learn something that we want to apply to our families.  So what is your personal culture?  Lets all take some time to think about how we have been influenced by our cultures and take some time to honestly think about how we can improve ourselves.

The ripple: Our choices

Have you ever seen a body of water when it is raining?  The plopping of the water and the stirred water make a sight that is worth getting a little wet.  Not every raindrop creates the same size of a ripple, but as they fall they cause ripples that affect a lot of the water.  I've been thinking about this a lot recently.  Do my own choices cause ripples?  Can the choices that other people make cause a ripple in my life? 

In my Family 160 class we had a discussion on whether or not the amount of children we have affected other people.  I have always considered this topic a private one between a couple and the Lord, but it was interesting to think that something so private could cause ripples in the lives of other people.  This might seem a little silly to some people but I could see the possibilities of how it applies.  The children we have will grow up in this world, and go on to affect those around them in some degree or another.  On the topic of children there is a great documentary that explains the consequences that having less children actually causes to an economy.  (by less children I mean less than what is needed for positive population growth.)  I think that this is something that we need to be aware of, but ultimately the decision is still personal and comes down to the couple and (in my opinion) the Lord.  Now many people argue that their choices only affect them, but I don't think that is the case.  Can you imagine ripples next to each other that get closer and then just vanish without contact?  I guess what I really am trying to say is that we should be careful with how we treat things around us.  Especially when it comes to marriage, family, and other interpersonal relationships.  Lets be a ripple of good in this life.
More Info:  If you want to learn more about how our choices on fertility affect each other then you should really watch The New Economic Reality: Demographic Winter.  You can find both parts for free here:http://www.byutv.org/show/5e819b00-5e99-4bf4-931e-c154d3c2dc8d/new-economic-reality-demographic-winter

Change and the Family System

I can remember the day when I went home for Thanksgiving.  I had been up at school for a few months and was excited but a little worried as well.  I hadn't played videogames for the majority of the time that I was at school and I was feeling pretty good about my free time.  I knew that when I would get home my siblings would want to play with me, but I was pretty certain that I could resist.  That resolve didn't last very long and I ended up getting back into videogames.
As I was thinking about this experience the idea that the family is a system and each member plays a role made a lot of sense.  When I went home I reverted back to my old role in the family which influenced me to not disappoint my siblings by saying no.  What I shared was an example with really small consequences and outcomes, but I couldn't help to think about how difficult it is for people who are trying to make major changes in their life who fall into old roles without even realizing it.  I think that just being aware that systems tend to resist change can help people who are trying to change be aware and prepare themselves for when somebody reminds them that what they are doing isn't how they "normally" act.  Maybe instead we can say "wait a minute, that is how I acted in the past, but now I'm trying to change".  I don't know how that will play out in every family, but I believe that by just saying and thinking that it will strengthen ones resolve to change.
Now, a side note:  I am not saying that families are bad.  In fact, I believe that a good family will support its members who are trying to make changes for the better.  So lets help our family by improving ourselves and making sure that we don't hold each other back.  We can do this.

Short Introduction

This is me.

This is my first blog so we will see how it goes.

My Name is Tyler Graves, I am 22 years old and I just wanted to make this blog to share some things that I learn as I go through college.  I'm going to make a huge disclaimer right here:  I don't know everything, nor will I profess that I have all the answers.  Yep I know it is pretty crazy but I hope as you read this you will gain some insights that you can take to improve your life or just turn a bad day into a good one.