Dealing with Emotional Baggage

With the amount of divorce that happens in our society it is no wonder why there are so many step families now.  Growing up in a step family can be difficult for the children, but it is often just as difficult for the step parent coming into the family.

I watched a video this week about some of problems that emotional baggage can cause in step families(and I've even venture to say it happens with other families as well).  This baggage can add an additional weight to a marriage and family that can be crushing without proper commitment.

I'm going to try to link the video at the end and hope that it works.  It is a little cheesy, but I think it does a good job of portraying the types of baggage that we can carry into a relationship.  So how do we deal with the baggage?

There were 3 tips that the video gave:

1. We need to be committed to deal with the problems

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2. We can work on gaining the knowledge needed to deal with the problems.

3. We can work on developing the skills needed to succeed.

The work that is cut ahead of each of us will be difficult, but as we work on changing ourselves we will begin to build a better life for our children, step children, and spouse.  There is a lot of advice available to anyone seeking to better their relationships.  Just remember that the goal is to effectively communicate with your spouse and children to be better able to see what your family needs to do personally to improve.  Don't get discouraged.  Be patient and keep trying :)

Emotional Baggage video

(Please let me know if this video works for you.)

Parenting

Let's face the truth, parenting is hard.  To be honest I can't remember a lot of my childhood and the things that my parents did to raise me.  The greatest thing that I am grateful for though is that my parents tried their hardest to be active parents and help me grow into a responsible adult.
In my house there was no power struggle, there was no manipulation, there was reasoning and love.  My parents usually talked calmly and kindly.  I knew that they wanted the best for me and that they were always looking out for me.  My parents were wonderful, but like all parents they weren't perfect.  There were times when counsel hurt, when words or actions stung more than punishment, and other times when their frustration was noticeable.
Luckily nobody expects us to be perfect.  Overall my parents are still wonderful and loving.  I wouldn't trade them for anybody else.

I want to focus a portion of my post to this quote.  As parents (or future parents), we need to learn that our actions and words do affect other people.  As a parent we will have an opportunity everyday to help our children grow closer to us or further away.  We can become a great blessing or a major weight in their life.  This is why we need to make sure that we are raising our children right.
Now, I know that this may be a very touchy subject, so I'm going to tread a little carefully, However, I hope you will agree with me that parents and children should have strong positive bonds.
While there may not be a single way of parenting that works for all children, there are some tips that can help us as we try to be better parents, (or once more, learn to become parents).
1.  Develop a positive relationship:  We need to be able to talk to our children(especially teenagers).  If our relationship is strained and nonexistent then it will be difficult to be able to help them grow and learn.  Developing this relationship begins when they are young.  We cannot guide children when there is no foundation.  We may manipulate, but we are trying to help them become responsible adults, not slaves.  Ultimately manipulation and punishment will never be enough to guide children and help them grow.
2.  Counsel with your children:  The time for domination has come to an end, now is the time for cooperation.  Work with your children to decide guidelines/rules, teach them how to do things, treat them with respect.  When they do something that hurts you, or annoys you let them know in a direct and kind manner.  With counseling we should strive to understand each other and show that we are really interested in them as a person.  A small word on counseling to determine guidelines/rules, we need to make sure that we protect our children from potential sources of danger.  It would be wise to let them make unsafe choices.
The last thing I want to write is that every child is different and we need to pay attention to them as individuals, not just our children.  It would be wise to give them chances to grow and learn.  This is one of the things that I personally wished I had done more of in my childhood... It would have been nice to be more prepared to make the personal decisions that everybody will face.  Lets love our children and help them prepare for this crazy world.  If that means changing some negative things about our parenting, or just preparing ourselves to be parents by changing our life style to be more healthy and responsible then so be it.  Overall it is most important for us to help them.  We can do it!

Don't Spend what you don't have

Growing up I always heard the simple yet profound advice from my grandpa, "Don't spend what you don't have".  In our world filled with credit cards and an extreme amount of debt maybe we could all apply this advice a little more carefully.  This statement from my Grandpa is one of the great lessons that I have learned about finance.  I want to add a few things that have helped me in some situations.  First of all, I know that some debt is unavoidable, but excessive debt is.  By only getting in debt for things  that we can support eventually, (like getting a decent home over an already beautiful one) ultimately we need to think about our income and how long it will take us to get out of debt and try everything that we can to get out of debt.
  The reason why I want to focus on finances in this post is because the problems caused from finances can cause extreme stress and conflict in marriages and families.  By controlling ourselves and exercising some basic wisdom a lot of this stress can be avoided.
A principle that has helped me is prioritizing the use of money.  As a student attending college I have learned that I need to pay my college costs and living costs first before splurging a little or I will most likely end up eating ramen for a good majority of my time here.  (Not that I don't like ramen... but diversity is good.)  If we can learn to accurately measure the difference between the things that we need and the things that we want we can more likely avoid potential difficulties that could arise from how we manage our money.
Another thing that has helped me manage my money has been a budget.  Now, I'l be the first to admit that I really don't like budgeting, but the money I have saved from doing it has been worth it.  By lining up all the costs and incomes for a month we can come up with a plan to have enough money to get by.  This part of the process requires communication between partners.  This opportunity can be a great chance to practice counseling with spouses and other relationships where money is shared.  By coming up with a plan together there will be a greater responsibility on both parties to continue with the plan and hold each other accountable.  By doing it this way we can avoid a lot of the communication problems that money causes when it is handled by one person in the relationship without much discussion.
Another principle that is particularly hard for me is saving money, but as we live our plan and prioritize it will become easier for everyone.  By putting aside a little bit of money from our income we will be better prepared for when crisis and surprises happen in our life.  Notice how I didn't say if.  These situations are going to happen to everyone, our cars might break down, there might be a medical emergency, or we might just need a little extra money to go to that party that we really want to.  Saving money and using it wisely can help us with all of these situations.
Now, I'm no professional at money, and quite frankly my own managing style can use a little work, but I know that as we use our money wisely and efficiently we will be able to cut a big stress out of our life.  Even if we haven't been living efficiently so far we can get there.  Start by making a plan for yourself and evaluate how it is going frequently.  I recommend reading the pamphlet "One For the Money" (you can download the pamphlet for free from this link.)
In this world that is filled with so much stress already, lets try to control this potential stress before it becomes a problem.  Have a great week!